Monday, December 17, 2012

On Grief

This weekend I just couldn't shake the thought of the tragedy that happened in Newtown, CT on Friday.  It left me, like most other mothers and human beings, reeling.  I am still mourning the victims I didn't know.  I can't bring myself to look at their pictures or read their names.  I can't believe that someone could kill innocent and helpless little angels.

In the face of a tragedy such as this one, it feels like there is little that you can do for others.  I have been praying for the families touched by this terrible act. It is the least I can do in this situation. Perhaps the events touch me more deeply because our oldest, Max, is a 5-year old....and I can't help but imagine the unimaginable and think about how I would feel if he was ripped from our lives in an instant...

I've faced tragedy and sorrow and grief before.  It still aches inside of me on a daily basis.  I've learned through experience that grief and pain and sorrow never go away.  They never lessen in intensity.  You just learn to cope with those feelings and live with them on a daily basis.  It was a lesson that took a long time to learn; one that I am still learning.

The events on Friday still seem completely unconscionable to me.  It feels like we live in a world full of evil and darkness and it is hard to imagine that there is light on the other side. I'm sure we've all experienced heartache and pain on some level....I'm sure that every one of you that reads this blog could share a story of our deep loss and pain.

Everyone deals with grief and sorrow differently.  For me, I have spent this past weekend in silent reflection, prayer, and holding and squeezing my babies a little bit tighter...overlooking the crumbs on the floor, the underwear strewn all over the bedroom, the water spilling out of the bathtub from overzealous 'scrubbing'.  In these moments of sorrow and sadness, it is all I know how to do.

This weekend, I prayed for the marriages of the parents who lost a loved one.  I watched my parents through the loss of my brother and I know that grief has a way of wedging itself between two people and tearing them apart; and that it takes strength, courage and faith to work through your pain and suffering.  I prayed for the community of Newtown who need to come together in this time of loss to comfort, console and rebuild from this tragedy.  I prayed for the Lanza family because the grief and guilt they are feeling now must feel like the burden of the world on their shoulders -- to know that someone they loved was capable of such a horrible, unconscionable act must be agonizing. I have prayed for each one of those angels -- that God, in a way that only He can, has comforted and enveloped each one of those souls in white light.  I prayed that their pain was short and that they saw the face of God before they felt the fear in their hearts.  

My husband and I clung to each other Friday night as we let waves of emotion wash over us in light of the events.  I snuck plenty of extra hugs and snuggles in each day with all of my babies -- big and small.  I peeked at the boys asleep in their beds more times than I needed to on the video monitor each night. I crept into their rooms long after they were asleep to sniff their heads before retiring to my own bed...

I pray that everyone grieving this tragedy finds their way to deal with this and to find comfort in this time of sorrow.  May God bless our nation as we grieve this tragedy.